I first started my blog as a way to help me sort through my feeling and help put in to perspective what was going on in my life after Baby was born. I wanted to get our story out there, to maybe help other new mums and families that would probably be going through or feeling the same things I did after birth.

See when she was born my hubby and I got the biggest surprise ever. Our prefect little bundle has Down’s syndrome (DS). Nothing had been picked up on any of the scans. I had declined the blood tests to see what my risks where of having a child with DS, due to the fact I had one during a previous pregnancy 2 years before that said my risks were low because of my age and if I’m completely honest I never dreamed I would have a child with a disability.

As with all births, afterwards emotions are always at an all time high and for my family that was no different. Add to that try to take in all this new information about your baby and not being able to hold them. I was a wreck! Both psychically and mentally. I tried to hold it all together best I could but spent most of my time in tears or holding them back until I was alone. I did try to talk to family and friends but most of the time they would ask me if I had postnatal depression. It was like a slap in the face to me at the time. I knew I wasn’t depressed I just wanted my baby. The baby I had dreamed about throughout my pregnancy, the baby I wanted to hold in my arms and wanted to for fill all the hopes and dreams I had for her.
I now know I was grieving for the child I thought I was going to have and that it doesn’t mean I loved Baby any less and all I wanted was someone to pull out their crystals ball and tell me how her life panned out but they couldn’t. For me though the hardest part of all was leaving her in hospital for the first few weeks. Every day that I had to leave her at the hospital was torture for me but I told myself it was the best place for her. It was great when I finally got to bring her home. But the feelings and emotions were still there waiting to be worked through. So I started blogging.

As a teenager I had always written in a diary that I filled with my crazy, hormone fuelled ideas about life (it was mainly filled with thoughts of boys or why my parents were so uncool!)and throughout upper school (high school) when I was bullied. I would scribble, doodle and write down poems. Writing was always the way I had worked out my feelings. Putting it down and out of my head just made everything clearer.

When it came to my first few blog posts, I poured my heart into all of them. Then I became stumped and had nothing really to write about.

Or so I thought!

I found writing about what me an my kids get up to and joining up to Linkys helped. But I always find myself worrying is this what people want to read?

I now know I need to forget what everyone else wants to read. This is my blog this is my place to do and say what I feel and want. I just need to be me and true to myself, put all my thoughts and feeling in order the way I want.

I do hope that one day, reading my blog and what I went through in the beginning. Will help another mother, parent or family push through any problem or unexpected surprises or finding out their child has Downs syndrome too.
Help them know it’s ok to cry and that it doesn’t mean the end of the world (Like I first thought). It is actually something really great.

My little girl is amazing and I think how thankful I am everyday that she pulled through and fought. I treasure every amazing thing she does. Probably more then I ever did with my other children (because she has to work that bit harder and I honestly took what they could do for granted). Baby has showed me the error of my parenting and made me realise there is so much more. That is why I am thankful I was given the gift of a child with Down’s syndrome. She taught me how to love whole heartedly and more then I ever believed possible. I am also glad I started blogging/writing for helping me realise this and put it out into the world.

Nikki ❤

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28 thoughts on “Blogging

  1. This is beautiful and I am sure your writing will help lots of people. I often feel I babble away about the same old things but as you say, it’s our space to do as we wish. xx #brilliantblogposts

  2. Fantastic post! So powerful and you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are super mom! Good for you for blogging and using it as something so healthy for yourself to express yourself. I hope others will benefit by your strength reading and share your experience. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. I hope to see you again soon. #sharewithme

  3. That’s a beautiful post, Nikki. It must have been so hard for you to find that she had DS, but I love your words at the end, about her being amazing and your being thankful for having her. Our children are so precious! Mel #BrillBlogPosts

    • It was at first but once I got over the shock and got her home things got easier. I still have the odd low and what if moment but I try not to focus on them and look at all her great points instead of negatives.

  4. Such a brilliantly honest post – it’s really clear how writing the blog has helped you overcome the challenges you’ve faced, but also how strong you’ve been in facing them in the real world too! And very important to remember that our blogs are our space. I go through many moments of self doubt as to whether or not people will want to read what I’ve written, but ultimately that’s just not the point!

  5. A very honest post, I completely understand how you felt about leaving baby in the hospital. Not because of DS but because our little boy was born premature. We had to leave him for some 3 weeks, I also didn’t get the first hold, first kiss, first skin to skin. Everything had to be done through an incubator which is truly heart breaking. I am so pleased all is well with you now. I treat my blog as my journal, my way of holding on to some memories which could easily be lost in life. #sharewithme #brilliantblogposts

    • I was lucky I got to have skin to skin and a hold with her. She wasn’t early or in hospital due to her DS she swallowed meconium during labour and couldn’t breath properly due to meconium aspiration and infection. She was in neonatal 16 days and on ward for a week after to establish feeding. Glad your little boy is safe and well too x

  6. Ah, blogging is pretty therapeutic, eh? It must have been a shock to find out your little girl had Downs – I am a much older mum so they just did the tests on me automatically and I even had a CVS procedure to check for certain when we got a ‘borderline’ result from the 20 week scan. I really admire you for staying so positive and focussing on all the good things about your little girl. X #TheThemeGame

  7. Blogging can be such an effective form of therapy in allowing you to ‘ge things off your chest’. It’s also good therapy in allowing others to see that others are going through what they are/did. #TheThemeGame

  8. This is a beautiful post, Nikki. Blogging does allow you to get feelings out and I’m quite sure your blog will help others who find themselves in your situation, too. Thanks so much for sharing with #thethemegame

  9. Blogging helps me offload many worries, thoughts, concerns etc. it’s also a wonderful way of meeting new online friends and sharing experiences. I really enjoyed reading this, such a beautiful post about a very emotional time. I love that blogging has helped you work through some things and I hope it continues to offer that role for you x #thethemegame

  10. Pingback: My Top 10 Blog posts of 2014 | Keeping strong and moving forward

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