I first started my blog as a way to help me sort through my feeling and help put in to perspective what was going on in my life after Baby was born. I wanted to get our story out there, to maybe help other new mums and families that would probably be going through or feeling the same things I did after birth.
See when she was born my hubby and I got the biggest surprise ever. Our prefect little bundle has Down’s syndrome (DS). Nothing had been picked up on any of the scans. I had declined the blood tests to see what my risks where of having a child with DS, due to the fact I had one during a previous pregnancy 2 years before that said my risks were low because of my age and if I’m completely honest I never dreamed I would have a child with a disability.
As with all births, afterwards emotions are always at an all time high and for my family that was no different. Add to that try to take in all this new information about your baby and not being able to hold them. I was a wreck! Both psychically and mentally. I tried to hold it all together best I could but spent most of my time in tears or holding them back until I was alone. I did try to talk to family and friends but most of the time they would ask me if I had postnatal depression. It was like a slap in the face to me at the time. I knew I wasn’t depressed I just wanted my baby. The baby I had dreamed about throughout my pregnancy, the baby I wanted to hold in my arms and wanted to for fill all the hopes and dreams I had for her.
I now know I was grieving for the child I thought I was going to have and that it doesn’t mean I loved Baby any less and all I wanted was someone to pull out their crystals ball and tell me how her life panned out but they couldn’t. For me though the hardest part of all was leaving her in hospital for the first few weeks. Every day that I had to leave her at the hospital was torture for me but I told myself it was the best place for her. It was great when I finally got to bring her home. But the feelings and emotions were still there waiting to be worked through. So I started blogging.
As a teenager I had always written in a diary that I filled with my crazy, hormone fuelled ideas about life (it was mainly filled with thoughts of boys or why my parents were so uncool!)and throughout upper school (high school) when I was bullied. I would scribble, doodle and write down poems. Writing was always the way I had worked out my feelings. Putting it down and out of my head just made everything clearer.
When it came to my first few blog posts, I poured my heart into all of them. Then I became stumped and had nothing really to write about.
Or so I thought!
I found writing about what me an my kids get up to and joining up to Linkys helped. But I always find myself worrying is this what people want to read?
I now know I need to forget what everyone else wants to read. This is my blog this is my place to do and say what I feel and want. I just need to be me and true to myself, put all my thoughts and feeling in order the way I want.
I do hope that one day, reading my blog and what I went through in the beginning. Will help another mother, parent or family push through any problem or unexpected surprises or finding out their child has Downs syndrome too.
Help them know it’s ok to cry and that it doesn’t mean the end of the world (Like I first thought). It is actually something really great.
My little girl is amazing and I think how thankful I am everyday that she pulled through and fought. I treasure every amazing thing she does. Probably more then I ever did with my other children (because she has to work that bit harder and I honestly took what they could do for granted). Baby has showed me the error of my parenting and made me realise there is so much more. That is why I am thankful I was given the gift of a child with Down’s syndrome. She taught me how to love whole heartedly and more then I ever believed possible. I am also glad I started blogging/writing for helping me realise this and put it out into the world.