Difficulties in life

Day 27: Have you had to overcome something difficult?

This prompt had me thinking about the all the things I have found difficult in my life and that I had overcome or just learnt to deal with them.

Growing up I found a lot difficult because I was teased, tormented and bullied throughout my childhood. Primary school was horrible because all my bullies lived in my area. Which meant I couldn’t escape them. I barely went out because if I did I would be followed and teased. They would throw stones and mud at me, at my house and I didn’t help matters by getting angry and screaming, shouting or rising to their bullying.

When I went to upper school I thought it would be a fresh start and a new me.
Unfortunately I ended up going to same school as my bullies and was even put in the same form class as most of them. Upper school was rough until I reach 14. By which point I had made a group of friends and I started going out away from my area. I would go iced skating on a weekend where I made even more friends.

Just before I went 15 I started hanging out with and older group of people and going out to the pub and night clubs. (I would lied to my parents saying I was sleeping at friends or my sisters and would lied about my age to get in)
I know now it wasn’t the cleverest thing to do but back then just knowing I had somewhere I could go to be me, have fun and meet new people really helped my confidence. (it also helped 15 year old me survive my school days. It was the fact of knowing I had been out clubbing all weekend while my bullies where drinking cider on cold park benches because they couldn’t get in to clubs and I could. Petty I know but I was 15)
After high school things looked up. Obliviously I didn’t do very well in my exams due to partying nearly every weekend and not revising or working in class due to bullies.

I got in at a local college doing art and finally managed to get away from my bullies. I was happy for a while. Until I ended up meeting T’s dad and fell pregnant at 16 and very early into relationship. He was only 17 at time and we had a very volatile relationship (not all his fault). We weren’t good for each other but stayed together throughout the pregnancy and afterwards. After birth I was suffering from postnatal depression and didn’t really want to be with him or him me but we stayed together for T and because I was petrified of being a single teenage mother. Mainly due to the stigma that is attached to being a single teenage mum, I already had people commenting on bus or giving me stares when I was shopping.
Eventually we called it a day when T was 18months old and I was left alone, broken and with a baby to look after.

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I hit an all time low. Fortunately I had a great friend who dragged me out of my depression and helped me learn to love myself, my life and figure out what I really wanted. (read about it here)

After that life still had some difficult times like when I fell pregnant with P at age of 20, while I was still a single mum and I had to go through the pregnancy, birth and raising 2 children on my own.

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But when P was 4 months old a friends of mine asked me to go to a college open day with her and we both signed up to redo our GCSE’s.
It was that day that my life started to turn around. I was finally doing something for me to better myself and I loved it.

From then on my confidence grew and I realised I learning was fun and how much I had missed out on in school. Plus 5 months down the line I met the love of my life (my hubby). We have had our ups and down like any normal couple but he has made me the happiest I have ever been. With his help and support I finished college 3 years later with 5C grade or above GCSE’s, 2Alevels and 3Aslevels. I also left college heavily pregnant with our first daughter (not that we knew she was a girl at time).

After that I spent my time being a mum and I planned to look for a job when E was a bit older. She had other ideas though because when she was 3 months old she was rushed into hospital with a high temperature which was caused by a water infection. It was after that she was sent for test and found to have vesicoureteral reflux and duplex kidney. (you can read about it here and here)
Although it was easy to live with and just meant she was prone to water infections or UTI’s. As long as she took her antibiotics she would be fine unless she became resistant (which she did twice!).

One of the most difficult times though was when she was 10 months old. We had gone to hospital because she had a high temperature again and we were sat talking to nurse, when E suddenly went ridged in my arms and started to seizure because her temp had spiked.

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At the time I had never felt so helpless and scared that I would lose one of my children. The hospital were great though and whipped her into a room and brought her temperature down.
Or the first time she a was put to sleep for a cystoscope and screamed to whole time fighting against me, the mask and the doctors. She was strong for a 1 year old. Eventually she settled and went limp in my arms because she was asleep. I left the room with tears streaming down my face because of how upset she had become and because I couldn’t be with her.
E has since had more tests another op and is doing well on her antibiotic.

But for me personally the day Baby was born and the weeks after where the most difficult things I have overcome. (read about it here)
You see after an easy pregnancy and semi easy birth (or as easy as birth can be) I was given the shocking news she had Down’s Syndrome.
Because of me not knowing much about down’a syndrome I was scared of what it meant. I had never really been round anyone who had a Down’s Syndrome. I thought my life was over, that people would blame me because I had carried her for 9 months, that my husband would leave me saying it was all my fault. I was scared I would reject her and that I wouldn’t be able to fully love her because of her condition. I worried that I wasn’t a good enough mother to be able to cope with everything she would need because I didn’t feel like I was a strong enough person. I was scared for her and what kind of life she would have and this was all within an hour of just giving birth.
I hadn’t even had a chance to properly clean myself up and I was already having to change and reprocessing all the dreams and hopes I had thought up while I was pregnant. (or so I thought at time before I researched and learnt more about her condition and realised DS isn’t anything to be scared of)
My head was a mess of confusing and conflicting thoughts because when I looked at her I still saw my baby, I had created her, I wanted the very best for her and she was apart of me no matter what. She was mine!

So as I held her in my arms and tried to make sense of it all plus get her to latch on for her first feed. During which she started getting very sleepy or so I thought. Within seconds I noticed she wasn’t sleeping but turning a grey colour and her lips were going blue. (the scariest moment of my life so far)
My mother and husband ran to get doctors and she was whisked off to neonatal to be given oxygen support.

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She deteriorated through the night and went from only needing a bit of support to be completely ventilated on nearly 95% oxygen. She stayed like that for 2 days and in hospital until she was 23 days old.
I wasn’t able to stay with her in neonatal and was left in a room alone with only my ever confusing thoughts.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do was leaving her in the hospital when I had to go home. That night walking into my house and seeing everything I had laid out for her was torture because at that point I didn’t know if she was even going to make it home. (you can read about it here)

Eventually Baby got better, came home and quickly expelled all the fears I had after she was born. She showed us just how amazing she is.

So here are some of my most difficult and scariest moments of my life. I know to some they might not seem that bad or difficult but they were to me and I have overcome them all.

One thing I know is that I am glad for all the difficult times I have had in my life because they have taught me something about myself, shown me how strong I am or made me realise something I was missing.

Did you learn anything from a difficult time in your life? Did you come out the other side a stronger person?

Nikki ❀

blog every day in August

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5 thoughts on “Difficulties in life

  1. Seeing your child in hospital is one of the hardest things to cope with as a parent. Finding out that your child has extra medical needs is hard too – it really does turn your world upside down. I still remember how my world turned upside-down from the day I found out about Jessica’s heart condition. It wasn’t what I blogged about today (I have blogged a lot about being a heart mum and thought I’d focus on overcoming something else) but I have definitely become a stronger person as a result of being blessed with my beautiful heart baby. So glad you have managed to overcome so much and that Baby is doing so well now x

  2. What a story! Thanks for sharing. The hardest part of motherhood for me is letting my son go here in the UK at 4 months w/o me because he needs an emergency medical procedure. Not being with him almost made me crazy. But its all over now and we are together and he is okay now health wise too. #pocolo

  3. Wow hun such a tough time but you sound like you have done right by it all by learning and making it make you stronger because of all of it. I have had a bad experience where my son almost died from peanut butter and went unconscious and spent three days recouping in the hospital. I know what you felt in that moment of helplessness and sadness for her pain.He also got his finger cut off while we were vacationing in paris and i was 7 months prego and they wouldn’t let me in the xray room or the operating room at all with him and he was only 1 1/2 years old scared and they didn’t speak english. I never felt so heartbroken in my life and helpless. But we came out all ok. and we grow stronger and wiser with every passing challenge in life. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me I hope to see you again tomorrow for another great round! #sharewithme

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