My opinion on the mother who gave up her son with Down’s syndrome.

Over last few days I have seen many stories popping up on my news feed about the father who refused to give up his son because he had Downs syndrome.
I have also read the story about how his wife has now filed for divorce and most recently I have read her side on the events that have unfolded.

Being a parent of a child with Down’s syndrome I feel for both these parents to be given this life changing news about their son. I remember and know how lost, scared and alone I felt when the doctors told us our daughter diagnosis.
I can only describe it as being as if the whole room just freezing in one moment, while everything else carries on around you, like all the air and sense had been sucked out of the room and your left wondering the big question of WHY?
I can only imagine how much harder it is to be in a country like Armenia that hasn’t yet begun to accept or help families that have children with disabilities.

I agree with everybody that is giving Samuel Forrest support and commendation because I do believe he deserves a round of applauses and I take my hat off to him. What he is doing is amazing and I think it is great that he want to take his son back to his home country New Zealand and give him the best possible start in life. Don’t we all want that for our kids!

But I don’t agree with the way everybody in vilifying the mother Ruzan Badalyan. It’s not right or fair. This woman is still probably coming to terms with everything. I don’t think she is horrid or sick because she felt ashamed of her child, because in all honesty I was ashamed when my daughter was first born. I was worried about what people would think and I was scared that people would blame me, like it was all my fault and I had some how caused my child to have Down’s syndrome.

Even though I knew this wasn’t the case and that it was a genetic abnormality that has happened well before conception and actually happened when my husbands sperm or my egg cells were dividing and becoming sperms and eggs.

The day my daughter was born was one of the scariest and happiest days of my life. I am not ashamed that for a brief second the thought of giving her up had crossed my mind. I was a 26 year old mother with 3 other kids. How was I going to cope? Would I be able to give her everything she needed to look after her?
Luckily that second pasted quick and those thoughts pasted with it. Unfortunately with time and thoughts new ones come along and the seconds tick by.

See when you are in that situation and your head is whirling with hundreds of questions or thoughts you never know which to pick and which to say. I remember fearing that my husband would judge me, hate me, blame me or worst leave me because I had given him this child that wasn’t the child we had spent the last 9 months dreaming, talking about and planning for. In one moment that was all gone and was replace with dread, uncertainty and FEAR!

That’s why as a mother of a child with Down’s syndrome I can’t hate this woman because I can empathise with what she is and has been going through.
I do believe what she did was the right thing to do for her and child. He will hopefully grow up in a loving home with his father and maybe his mother. You never know what the future holds. in a country where his family can find medical help and support that he needs. Instead of his mother and family struggling on in a country that doesn’t help family’s of children with disabilities and her not being able to give him the care he needs to flourish and grow.

For this woman I don’t feel hatred or anger or even disappointment. All I feel for her is sadden because she won’t be able to see or feel the happiness and sense of amazement you get we her little boy smiles at her, holds his head high or gives her cuddles and kisses. She won’t feel the sense of pride that her little boy has taken in and archived something that other would be easy but for him is difficult. But most of all I feel sorry for her because she will never know how it feels to truly love and accept someone for who they are.

I know this because since having my daughter she has opened up my world to true beauty and shows me how truly amazing she is.

Nikki x

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38 thoughts on “My opinion on the mother who gave up her son with Down’s syndrome.

  1. A very brave, Frank and honest post. I don’t think so many of us can comment unless like you have experienced it first hand. Baby is such a gorgeous wonderful girl and your love shines through xxx

    • Thank you and it’s sad how many people, DS mums included are so quick to dam this woman and it’s not fair. She has made one of the hardest choices in life and now has to live with that.

  2. I read this with tears in my eyes my auntie had downs syndrome and back 50 years ago when she was born my grandma was told to give her up but she didn’t and my auntie went on to have a happy 49 years. I think put in this situation ourselves non of us will actually know how we feel until we were there xx

    • It is very true. I always thought I could handle it and wouldn’t bat and eye lid. Then Baby was born and it all changed. I know I have accepted her and her DS now, but at first I was scared to death. She also made it extremely easy for me to accept because she is awesome and the complete centre of my world. As are all my kids 🙂

  3. Your thoughts and feelings reflect my own, Nikki. It is absolutely not as simple as “she’s a terrible mother” and “he’s a great father”. I don’t think that he is particularly deserving of being put on a pedestal, nor do I think that she need vilifying for being raised in a society that finds it unacceptable to have a child with a disability. They’re both just people, doing the best they know how to do.

  4. It is really hard for me to be able to form an opinion on this. One of the things that I always said was that I didn’t want to judge other people without knowing the whole story. It took us 10 years to get Maxi and we never tested for abnormalities, we made the decision that any child was better than none, the same with Mini,

    • I never had any testing with Baby and she was a much wanted but it still floored me and I still found her diagnosis hard to come to terms with at first. She is the light of my life now and I wouldn’t change a thing.
      This post is just basically I can understand what she is and had gone through. It’s not for people to dub her a terrible person or bad mother because she did something that in her country is seen as the norm. She had given her child the best start by letting him go with his dad, because then he can get the care an help he needs in a place that is far more accepting of Down’s syndrome.

  5. Until anyone has been in the same situation it is difficult for them to comment on whether she is right or wrong for not wanting to bring up this child. She will have her reasons and at the end of the day she is the one who will have to live with her decision

  6. I agree with you that the mother must be going through all sorts of emotions. A lot of countries round the World are not good at accepting disabilities in Children and tend to either hide them or give them away. I hope that this couple gets back together and learns to love their baby. My colleague has an autistic son and when he was diagnosed, his wife found it difficult to accept and left him. But now she has had time to think about the situation and both of them are working together to give their son a happy home. As some one commented above, no one can judge such a situation unless you have been through it.

  7. I agree, Nikki. As a mum who would have done everything to keep my son alive, even if that meant his living with some sort of disability, I feel sad for this mum who has deprived herself of the opportunity to see beauty and feel love.xx

  8. A very well written post. I can only imagine the whirlwind of emotion and I agree completely with you, she doesn’t need judgement right now. Hopefully one day she will find her way back to her son but if she doesn’t, he has a father who loves him and a wonderful future ahead of him x

  9. I think it is one of those situations that unless you are in their shoes you can’t judge. From my position (three healthy children), I am really saddened by her actions and can’t imagine doing that in her situation. However, I’m not in her situation, and I’m just glad that the baby has his father to look after him

  10. This is a great post. I too feel very sad for this mother as well as for her husband and baby. I don’t judge her for what she’s done because, as you say, the society where she lives makes life very difficult for parents like her.

  11. I haven’t read about this but it sounds a very sad situation indeed. It’s a shame there isn’t more support and soceity isn’t more accepting of people with Down’s Syndrome

  12. A very honest and hard hitting post. My only thought when read this was just sadness really. You don’t grow a baby for nine months then leave it with no emotion what so ever. In a country and culture such as theirs I can see her thought process especially as im sure she had others influencing her (I agent read her account just yet) I hope in time they can become family and if not it’s still sad but I don’t feel any hate for this woman I just feel sadness for the lack of acceptance in some countries and actually in parts most countries even ours! X

  13. Amazing post Nikki! I hate when people quickly jump to conclusions after reading stories on the internet, unbelievable even when they have no idea what actually happened. I knew few people with Down syndrome, one passed away in fairly old age for people with this kind of disability but they all had a happy, almost independent people with the biggest hearts I’ve ever seen!

  14. Your post has really made me think. It is so hard to know how you would react in a certain situation, and only too easy to judge. But as you have experience of the situation its interesting to hear your opinion on it all. I think it is such a sad situation and no doubt the mother is going through hell trying to come to terms with it all. After all, she carried the baby for 9 months and every mother knows how that feels. To not have the baby she expected at the end of it must be so hard. x x

  15. This is such an interesting post. Of course, I completely vilified her – I couldn’t understand how she could be choosing her belief over her child. Of course though, no-one can ever put themselves in that position until it happens to them. Your post is so open and honest to how you felt and I hope that she comes around just like you did and her little boy grows up with his mum around. Thanks so much for linking up with #twinklytuesday

  16. I agree entirely. Parents feel they cannot cope because of a lack of support and outdated views. Parents also act as this mother has done all over the world every single day, either giving a baby up for adoption or having a termination. It makes my heart ache with sorrow, but we cannot hate her. As parents of children with Down’s Syndrome we know of course, we are the lucky ones. We can but guide and support others. Thank you for linking up to #SENDBritmums
    Hayley

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