My opinion on the mother who gave up her son with Down’s syndrome.

Over last few days I have seen many stories popping up on my news feed about the father who refused to give up his son because he had Downs syndrome.
I have also read the story about how his wife has now filed for divorce and most recently I have read her side on the events that have unfolded.

Being a parent of a child with Down’s syndrome I feel for both these parents to be given this life changing news about their son. I remember and know how lost, scared and alone I felt when the doctors told us our daughter diagnosis.
I can only describe it as being as if the whole room just freezing in one moment, while everything else carries on around you, like all the air and sense had been sucked out of the room and your left wondering the big question of WHY?
I can only imagine how much harder it is to be in a country like Armenia that hasn’t yet begun to accept or help families that have children with disabilities.

I agree with everybody that is giving Samuel Forrest support and commendation because I do believe he deserves a round of applauses and I take my hat off to him. What he is doing is amazing and I think it is great that he want to take his son back to his home country New Zealand and give him the best possible start in life. Don’t we all want that for our kids!

But I don’t agree with the way everybody in vilifying the mother Ruzan Badalyan. It’s not right or fair. This woman is still probably coming to terms with everything. I don’t think she is horrid or sick because she felt ashamed of her child, because in all honesty I was ashamed when my daughter was first born. I was worried about what people would think and I was scared that people would blame me, like it was all my fault and I had some how caused my child to have Down’s syndrome.

Even though I knew this wasn’t the case and that it was a genetic abnormality that has happened well before conception and actually happened when my husbands sperm or my egg cells were dividing and becoming sperms and eggs.

The day my daughter was born was one of the scariest and happiest days of my life. I am not ashamed that for a brief second the thought of giving her up had crossed my mind. I was a 26 year old mother with 3 other kids. How was I going to cope? Would I be able to give her everything she needed to look after her?
Luckily that second pasted quick and those thoughts pasted with it. Unfortunately with time and thoughts new ones come along and the seconds tick by.

See when you are in that situation and your head is whirling with hundreds of questions or thoughts you never know which to pick and which to say. I remember fearing that my husband would judge me, hate me, blame me or worst leave me because I had given him this child that wasn’t the child we had spent the last 9 months dreaming, talking about and planning for. In one moment that was all gone and was replace with dread, uncertainty and FEAR!

That’s why as a mother of a child with Down’s syndrome I can’t hate this woman because I can empathise with what she is and has been going through.
I do believe what she did was the right thing to do for her and child. He will hopefully grow up in a loving home with his father and maybe his mother. You never know what the future holds. in a country where his family can find medical help and support that he needs. Instead of his mother and family struggling on in a country that doesn’t help family’s of children with disabilities and her not being able to give him the care he needs to flourish and grow.

For this woman I don’t feel hatred or anger or even disappointment. All I feel for her is sadden because she won’t be able to see or feel the happiness and sense of amazement you get we her little boy smiles at her, holds his head high or gives her cuddles and kisses. She won’t feel the sense of pride that her little boy has taken in and archived something that other would be easy but for him is difficult. But most of all I feel sorry for her because she will never know how it feels to truly love and accept someone for who they are.

I know this because since having my daughter she has opened up my world to true beauty and shows me how truly amazing she is.

Nikki x

My Top 10 Blog posts of 2014

As the end of 2014 fast approaches I thought I would share with you all my top 10 blog posts so far.

I am so impressed that in the nearly 9 months I have been blogging I have managed to make some amazing friends, read some great blogs and have really found myself.

So he we go:

  1. The day everything changed!
    This was actually the first blog post I had ever write. this is the reason I started blogging because I wanted to get my family’s and Baby’s story out there into the world. The title is correct on so many levels.
  2. Why me? Why not?
    This post will always be dear to my heart because just by writing and letting my feelings out. It helped me come to terms with my feelings I still had lingering about my daughters Downs syndrome diagnosis.
  3. Breastfeeding a 1 year old and I’m not going to stop!
    This is my response to the questions and opinions of other people how think they can tell me breastfeeding my 1 year old is wrong and I should stop.
  4. The weeks that followed.
    This was my second ever post and is basically a follow on from no.1
  5. Homemade Play dough
    My recipe for homemade play dough to help any parent who fancies a go at a fun activity with the kids that’s low cost, easy to do and give hours of fun.
  6. Pampers active fit #BritiansDriestNappy Trial.
    This was one of my first ever sponsored posts and I was so nervous about taking part and not doing it right and in the end I was one of 10 who won the voucher for taking part. I was so proud.
  7.  6 months today!The day Baby turned 6 months old.
  8. Blogging
    The reasons I started to blog and why I have fallen in love with it so much.
  9. 20 facts about me
    This post was part of the #BEDAchallenge I took part in during August. I never actually completed the challenge because I missed the last few days but I did really enjoy taking part and met some great bloggers from taking part.

    and finally!

  10. Chocolate chip pancakes (American style)
    My recipe for making Homemade chocolate chip pancakes.

So there you go my Top 10 Blog posts for 2014, I hope you enjoy reading them and seeing why they are my top 10.
Here is me wishing you all

THE VERY BEST FOR 2015
&
HAPPY NEW YEAR

Nikki x

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The List

Breastfeeding a 1 year old and I’m not going to stop!

Dear people passing comment in how I feed my child!

I firstly want to say how “happy” I am that you decided to express yourself and tell me your opinions and thoughts in me breastfeeding my child!

I would now like to express how I feel about some of the comments that you made and I would like to put you straight.

Yes I have a 1 year old
Yes I am still breastfeeding
and no I don’t have any plans to stop!

I know to some people breastfeeding can be a taboo subject (“it’s too sexual”) and a few really don’t agree with it in public (“put it away, it’s disgusting!”).
I’m sorry but if my child is hungry or thirsty and they want breastmilk, I’m not going to hide away in the toilets or let her suffer to appease you.
Just like you can’t leave me to happily care for my child with out making your unhelpful comment.

I will point out that breastfeeding is one of the most natural things in the world and it is actually recommended for you to breastfeed your child until they are 2.

So when you decide to ask me “Are you planning on stopping soon?” Or “Don’t you think she is getting a bit old to breastfeed?”
My answer is simply

NO!

See my daughter is only 1 year old and our breastfeeding journey started out as a rocky one.

From the night she was born, I had many health professionals telling me “she might not breastfeed” because she had Down’s syndrome and due to her stay in neonatal, she was tube feed for the first few weeks. Meaning I had to express every drop of milk just so I could feed her. This was before I even got to hold her.
Once I was able to try and feed her. I was jumped at the chance but again it was full negative people telling me “it might not happen”.
I came close to giving up because I just wanted my baby off the NG tube and feeding for herself, because then she could come home.

Luckily after 3 weeks we made a break through when she started to take a bottle of my expressed milk. I knew once she was home I would get her breastfeeding from the comfort of my home, without negativity or professionals breathing down my neck. It took a while, a lot of tears and stress that pushed to the point of giving up. But we got there and at just over 5 weeks old I got my baby fully breastfeeding.

Because of the struggles we went through and because she is my last baby. I am not going to give up this opportunity to make my daughter happy and give her what she needs. Just to make someone I don’t know more comfortable.

Yes I will be discreet. In public I may cover myself with a shrug or blanket. That isn’t because I’m ashamed or for your comfort but mine. (can’t be getting frozen nips now can we)

So next time you want to make a passing comment about how someone else cares for their child. Please walk pass me and actually say it to some one who wants to hear it. I’m busy listening to the happy murmurs of my feeding child 🙂

Yours sincerely

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The woman breastfeeding her 1 year old.

Nikki ❤

Binky Linky

#PoCoLo

Post Comment Love

Baby’s 1st Birthday

On Saturday was a big day because it was Baby’s first birthday.
I was so nervous on the day because I wanted her first birthday to be great and full of happy memories.
That way we could move on and leave the unhappy memories of her birth and after wards behind us.

I had been planning what to do on to celebrate for a while. My mum an I had come up with a plan to have a little tea party at her house. The only problem was that she’d could only do it on the Sunday and was inviting family round.
So at start of last week I decided to have a “little” get together at my house on her actual birthday. Inviting all my friends and there kids.

It’s safe to say the “little” get to together turned into a big party with a bouncy castle.
As the weekend drew closer all my planning was in place and we spent the night before her birthday decorating the house with balloons, banners and built most of her big presents. So the were laid out for her to play with.

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On Saturday morning (her birthday) my hubby had got up super early and took the boys to their swimming lessons and left me and girls in bed.

Baby didn’t sleep too much longer after he left and I was soon up and eager to run down stairs and open all her presents with her. (even if she was more interested in boxes and paper)

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I loved seeing her playing with some of toys we got her but when her older brothers got home the kids soon pushed in wanting to play with the new toys.
We left them to play for a little while but soon removed all new toys because they wouldn’t stop arguing or let Baby have a go. I had planned to remove them before all other kids came for party anyway because I knew they would cause arguments about sharing.

The weather wasn’t the best in the morning as it kept raining and I was so worried the party would be a wash out. By 1pm though the sun was trying to break through clouds and the rain had mostly stopped. Then then bouncy castle arrived and I was shocked at how big it actually was.

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I had booked an adult grade one because I knew I would want to have a go and most of my guests were big kids like me.

The party started at 4pm so my kids and I got a few hours of playing on it with out anyone else. Which was great fun even though I had to keep stopping so I could get the food ready.

Soon enough the party was in full swing and we all had great fun bouncing on bouncy castle, playing pin the tail on the donkey and of course singing happy birthday with the cake.

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The party was a great success. Everyone had loads of fun and my house was completely packed.

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But everyone had great fun. Specially the birthday girl 🙂

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It’s hard to believe it has been a year an she is 1.

Nikki ❤

Emotional

This is the first post I have started/done in nearly 2 weeks!
I could tell you the reasons for this is because I have been busy with all the birthdays and life etc but honestly that would be a lie.

Because even though the last few weeks all I have been thinking about is that baby’s 1st birthday is coming up. (It’s actually on Saturday! Yikes!) that isn’t the reason I haven’t been blogging.

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See to most this is a happy, exciting time and don’t get me wrong I am thrilled my little girl is going to be 1.
But I find the closer her birthday comes the more I am thinking about the day she was born and how it was the most terrifying day of my life.
(You can read about it here)

For most people remembering the day their baby enter the world is a joyous occasion. Where they reminisce about those first moments when they are embracing them tightly, as they study all their features, about giving their baby it’s first feed or cuddle and stare into their face imprinting the image into their heart and memory forever.

For me most of those first moments aren’t filled with happiness but instead they were filled with fear, worry and terror.

this picture was taken just before the doctors came in to see me)

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Because while I cradled my new bundle I was gripped in fear for her future as the doctors explained to me that they believed she had Down syndrome.
In that moment everything changed.
I worried about how I would cope or look after a child with a disability. I had never done it before and I didn’t think I would be able to handle it.
The questions “Why me?”, “Why us?”, “Did I do wrong?” Whizzing round my head as I tried to take it all in.

I was still in shock from her fast arrival and then with the added shock of her diagnosis. I was completely lost! To me the future was bleak and I didn’t know where to start to process everything.

Once the doctors left the midwife give us time as a family to figure out our emotions before they explained what would happen next.

I was still cradling my precious little girl looking at her but instead of studying her face to my memory. I was looking for the characteristics that the doctor had seen. Telling myself they must of made a mistake but knowing as I stared into her face that they were right.

Time didn’t seem relevant as minute felt like hours that passed in seconds.
Because with all this happened within an hour of me giving birth.

When the midwife came back she encouraged me to try feeding and explained that it may take time or baby might be sleepy due to low muscle tone and weak suck.
Baby soon showed her though by latching on and having a good go at feeding.
But I couldn’t fully enjoy that first moment because my head was still I total mess as I had 2001 questions running through my head. Thinking about the future, my plans, my family and my kids. How was everyone going to handle the news.

A few minutes later I noticed baby was getting sleepy and was no longer suckling as much. I changed her position and that when I was thrown into one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

As I moved baby I notice she was stirring and her breathing started to shallow. I turned to my mum and asked her if something was wrong and we notice baby’s skin turning a grey colour and her lips were going blue. She couldn’t breath.

My hubby and mum went to get the help, as I held my little girl in my arms. Feeling completely helpless and not know what to do.

Luckily the staff responded quickly. The room filled professionals that whisked her out of my arms into a cot in corner of the room and put her on oxygen to bring her round.

I couldn’t watch what was going on I just held on to my husband and stared at the door in front of me. I thought she was going to die and I didn’t want that memory I didn’t want to see my child take her last breathes.

She responded to to oxygen but not enough and she was taken round to neonatal to be give support there.

My heartbroken as I watched them wheel my baby away. I as if I could go with her and broke down sobbing as they explain I couldn’t straight away.

I was lost, I was scared and was numb.

Once I was cleaned up and changed I was able to walk round and see her to say good night before I went to my room on ward.

they took this photo for me to take to my room

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I kissed her good night, as I silently prayed to myself that it wasn’t our last. I wanted her to fight, I wanted to be able to hold her and I didn’t want her to be apart from me.

My husband an mum got me settled in my room and left to go get some rest hoping I would do the same.
I tried to get myself settled but I just couldn’t relaxed.

Then the doctor came to visit me again and explained Baby was needing more oxygen support and she was put on a ventilator.

I rang my husband and explained everything to him. My voice breaking as I tried to fight back another round of tears.
After I hung up the phone I stared at the wall across from my bed trying to take in everything that had happened. Still asking myself “Why me?”
Why had this day that had started with so much excitement. That I had waited 42 long weeks (I went over due) for, turned into my worst nightmare.

I wasn’t meant to be sat scared, frightened and alone in a room. I was meant to be getting to know my child, kissing her little fingers as she grasped onto mine. Watching her yawn and wriggle as she realised she had more room to grow. I was meant to be holding her and protecting her. Not leaving her when she needed me most.

I felt like a failure!

Because of this I have been unable/avoiding my blog, because every time I think about the day Baby was born. The day my amazing, strong and beautiful little girl entered this world. I find myself holding back the tears as all those emotions I felt come flooding back and I’m helpless again.

Luckily I just need a smile from her or she shows me something new she has learned and they quickly disappear.

But the guilt I feel doesn’t go as quick. My guilt for being scared, for being terrified and for not being able to help. That lingers a little longer.

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For all the fear and worry I felt in the early days. I have been given an amazing little miss and I can’t believe she is going to be 1 in a few days.

Here is to many more to come 🙂

Nikki ❤

Pampers active fit #BritainsDriestNappy trial

This post is an entry for #BritainsDriestNappy trial sponsored by Pampers. Learn more at facebook.com/PampersUKIre

Being a mother to 4 kids. I have done my fair share of nappy changing in the past 10 years and I have tried many different brands of nappies too.
Each and every time though I have come back to Pampers, mainly because I found they suited my family the best.

That’s why I jumped at the chance to take part in the Pampers #BritiansDriestNappy trial. I wanted to see if pampers really were #BritainsDriestNappy and to see if the test they did on the adverts was actually worked.

The day that my package arrived I opened it to read what I had to do for the test.
I needed:

1 Pampers Active Fit Nappy
1 baby cup/bottle/measuring cup
150ml of water (it is equal 2-3 baby pees)
Tissue/toilet or kitchen roll
Scissors
Stop watch

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I got everything together and follow the instructions I was given to pour the water into nappy. once I had poured it all start the stop watch and for it to reach 1minute 30seconds.
(my stop watch reached 1minute 31seconds due to my audience that kept asking me “What I was doing?” And “Why?”)

By this point the water had all been absorbed and the nappy had swelled to almost double in size but didn’t look like it was fit to burst and could easily hold more water.

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It was then that I took the piece of tissue and placed it in the bowl it had created. (to simulate how it fits around a baby’s bottom plus it kept the water in the nappy and not on my table)
I added a quite a lot of pressure to the tissue and was shocked to find there wasn’t much wetness on the tissue when I lifted it up.
Wanting to take a closer look and feel. I inspected the nappy by feeling it and was surprised by how dry the nappy was and felt.
It helped dispelled some of my mummy guilt about leaving my little miss in a nappy over night and not waking to change her unless she cries or poos.
I always knew that pampers nappies could hold a lot of fluid and promised to give you 8-12 hours of dryness.
I always felt bad and slightly guilt ridden. That once my little ones were sleeping through the night, they would be sleeping in wet nappy and it couldn’t be nice, especially in winter when it’s cold.
But this nappy had changed it for me and I was really surprised it was really dry enough I had poured in 150mls of water.

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It had something to do with the micro pearls that soak up all the water and expanded drawing the moist deeper into nappy and way from babies skin.

Obviously once my older children saw me playing with water and nappies, they were intrigued and asked to have a go.
I didn’t see the harm in letting them share a nappy to try the testing. They worked well together and took turns doing different parts of the test. Which was fun to watch.

IMG_1258.JPG They really enjoyed taking part and were amazed by how dry inside felt after they had poured in the water.
It was funny watching how eager they were to do there parts. They all especially loved cutting it in half and taking a look at the micro pearls.

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It was a bit of fun that we got to do as a family and the kids though it was like a science experiment. (which it kind of was)

See I don’t normally buy Active Fit just because they are slightly more expensive then the other types of Pampers nappies but I am starting to reconsider this. Mainly due to how well they stayed on my little contortionist of a daughter.
See she has low muscle tone (hypotonia) which makes her highly flexible (hyper mobile) this is common is children with Down’s syndrome and at the age of 11months old my daughter can already do the splits and wrap her feet almost around her head. Anyone who has seen her know her legs go everywhere and her nappy isn’t always able to cope with the weird an wonderful shapes she puts herself into.

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However Pamper Active fit stayed snuggly to her contours as she wriggled and shuffled about. (this did make trying to get a good picture of her in her nappy difficult but I managed to get a few)

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It’s safe to say she likes them too

In the future I will be more inclined to buy Pampers Active Fit for these 3 reasons:

1. How quickly it absorbed the water and how dry the nappy felt was truly amazing.

2. They fit well and are able to put up with the shapes make daughter twists her self into

And

3. The fact that they have been designed to keep moisture away from baby’s skin and helps with my mummy guilt.

Here to drier, guilt free nights ahead 🙂

Nikki ❤

Disclaimer…

I was not paid for this review, however I was given the product to keep in exchange for my honest opinion of the item and it’s features.

Family Fever

Difficulties in life

Day 27: Have you had to overcome something difficult?

This prompt had me thinking about the all the things I have found difficult in my life and that I had overcome or just learnt to deal with them.

Growing up I found a lot difficult because I was teased, tormented and bullied throughout my childhood. Primary school was horrible because all my bullies lived in my area. Which meant I couldn’t escape them. I barely went out because if I did I would be followed and teased. They would throw stones and mud at me, at my house and I didn’t help matters by getting angry and screaming, shouting or rising to their bullying.

When I went to upper school I thought it would be a fresh start and a new me.
Unfortunately I ended up going to same school as my bullies and was even put in the same form class as most of them. Upper school was rough until I reach 14. By which point I had made a group of friends and I started going out away from my area. I would go iced skating on a weekend where I made even more friends.

Just before I went 15 I started hanging out with and older group of people and going out to the pub and night clubs. (I would lied to my parents saying I was sleeping at friends or my sisters and would lied about my age to get in)
I know now it wasn’t the cleverest thing to do but back then just knowing I had somewhere I could go to be me, have fun and meet new people really helped my confidence. (it also helped 15 year old me survive my school days. It was the fact of knowing I had been out clubbing all weekend while my bullies where drinking cider on cold park benches because they couldn’t get in to clubs and I could. Petty I know but I was 15)
After high school things looked up. Obliviously I didn’t do very well in my exams due to partying nearly every weekend and not revising or working in class due to bullies.

I got in at a local college doing art and finally managed to get away from my bullies. I was happy for a while. Until I ended up meeting T’s dad and fell pregnant at 16 and very early into relationship. He was only 17 at time and we had a very volatile relationship (not all his fault). We weren’t good for each other but stayed together throughout the pregnancy and afterwards. After birth I was suffering from postnatal depression and didn’t really want to be with him or him me but we stayed together for T and because I was petrified of being a single teenage mother. Mainly due to the stigma that is attached to being a single teenage mum, I already had people commenting on bus or giving me stares when I was shopping.
Eventually we called it a day when T was 18months old and I was left alone, broken and with a baby to look after.

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I hit an all time low. Fortunately I had a great friend who dragged me out of my depression and helped me learn to love myself, my life and figure out what I really wanted. (read about it here)

After that life still had some difficult times like when I fell pregnant with P at age of 20, while I was still a single mum and I had to go through the pregnancy, birth and raising 2 children on my own.

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But when P was 4 months old a friends of mine asked me to go to a college open day with her and we both signed up to redo our GCSE’s.
It was that day that my life started to turn around. I was finally doing something for me to better myself and I loved it.

From then on my confidence grew and I realised I learning was fun and how much I had missed out on in school. Plus 5 months down the line I met the love of my life (my hubby). We have had our ups and down like any normal couple but he has made me the happiest I have ever been. With his help and support I finished college 3 years later with 5C grade or above GCSE’s, 2Alevels and 3Aslevels. I also left college heavily pregnant with our first daughter (not that we knew she was a girl at time).

After that I spent my time being a mum and I planned to look for a job when E was a bit older. She had other ideas though because when she was 3 months old she was rushed into hospital with a high temperature which was caused by a water infection. It was after that she was sent for test and found to have vesicoureteral reflux and duplex kidney. (you can read about it here and here)
Although it was easy to live with and just meant she was prone to water infections or UTI’s. As long as she took her antibiotics she would be fine unless she became resistant (which she did twice!).

One of the most difficult times though was when she was 10 months old. We had gone to hospital because she had a high temperature again and we were sat talking to nurse, when E suddenly went ridged in my arms and started to seizure because her temp had spiked.

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At the time I had never felt so helpless and scared that I would lose one of my children. The hospital were great though and whipped her into a room and brought her temperature down.
Or the first time she a was put to sleep for a cystoscope and screamed to whole time fighting against me, the mask and the doctors. She was strong for a 1 year old. Eventually she settled and went limp in my arms because she was asleep. I left the room with tears streaming down my face because of how upset she had become and because I couldn’t be with her.
E has since had more tests another op and is doing well on her antibiotic.

But for me personally the day Baby was born and the weeks after where the most difficult things I have overcome. (read about it here)
You see after an easy pregnancy and semi easy birth (or as easy as birth can be) I was given the shocking news she had Down’s Syndrome.
Because of me not knowing much about down’a syndrome I was scared of what it meant. I had never really been round anyone who had a Down’s Syndrome. I thought my life was over, that people would blame me because I had carried her for 9 months, that my husband would leave me saying it was all my fault. I was scared I would reject her and that I wouldn’t be able to fully love her because of her condition. I worried that I wasn’t a good enough mother to be able to cope with everything she would need because I didn’t feel like I was a strong enough person. I was scared for her and what kind of life she would have and this was all within an hour of just giving birth.
I hadn’t even had a chance to properly clean myself up and I was already having to change and reprocessing all the dreams and hopes I had thought up while I was pregnant. (or so I thought at time before I researched and learnt more about her condition and realised DS isn’t anything to be scared of)
My head was a mess of confusing and conflicting thoughts because when I looked at her I still saw my baby, I had created her, I wanted the very best for her and she was apart of me no matter what. She was mine!

So as I held her in my arms and tried to make sense of it all plus get her to latch on for her first feed. During which she started getting very sleepy or so I thought. Within seconds I noticed she wasn’t sleeping but turning a grey colour and her lips were going blue. (the scariest moment of my life so far)
My mother and husband ran to get doctors and she was whisked off to neonatal to be given oxygen support.

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She deteriorated through the night and went from only needing a bit of support to be completely ventilated on nearly 95% oxygen. She stayed like that for 2 days and in hospital until she was 23 days old.
I wasn’t able to stay with her in neonatal and was left in a room alone with only my ever confusing thoughts.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do was leaving her in the hospital when I had to go home. That night walking into my house and seeing everything I had laid out for her was torture because at that point I didn’t know if she was even going to make it home. (you can read about it here)

Eventually Baby got better, came home and quickly expelled all the fears I had after she was born. She showed us just how amazing she is.

So here are some of my most difficult and scariest moments of my life. I know to some they might not seem that bad or difficult but they were to me and I have overcome them all.

One thing I know is that I am glad for all the difficult times I have had in my life because they have taught me something about myself, shown me how strong I am or made me realise something I was missing.

Did you learn anything from a difficult time in your life? Did you come out the other side a stronger person?

Nikki ❤

blog every day in August

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Beauty

I am joining up with this weeks #theprompt on the subject of beauty.

When ever I think of beauty the first things to pop into my mind is:

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” – Margaret Wolfe Hungerford

“Beauty is not in the face;
Beauty is a light in the heart” – Khalil Gibran

These are quotes that I use to say to myself regularly. To remind myself that Beauty isn’t always about how you look but about what’s on the inside and that what one person think is ugly another thinks is Beautiful.

Growing up I was always bullied. I was the fat kid or the ugly kid.
Throughout upper school I was constantly teased and ridiculed. Been constantly told I would never find a boyfriend or someone to love because of how ugly I was. It left me feeling alone, unwanted and with seriously low self esteem.
So by the time I was old enough to start dating, I was a walking target that fell for the first boy who told me I was pretty (total disaster). I thought to myself that if he thought I was beautiful that the rest of the world would. (no it didn’t turn out that way)

Luckily from that relationship, I got a piece of true beauty. I got T.

It was after that relationship ended that I finally started to feel right in my own skin. Then when fell pregnant with P and I was a single mum and going through pregnancy all on my own that I finally found my strength within. It was then that people started to comment about how pretty I was looking. It was amazing that once I learnt to love things about myself that it started to show on the outside.
It was then that I finally managed to meet a nice guy that thought I was truly beautiful and loved me for me (lumps, bumps and all)

Then when E was born and I started dreaming about her future, was when I started to remember how cruel young and teenage girls can be. I swore to myself there and then, that I would teach my daughter to grow up not worrying about what was on the outside but that it was on the inside that counts. That you have to love yourself and be a good person in life to be truly beautiful.

When Baby came along that became more important to me. I feared about how people would react when they saw her and if people would always just to see her as a Down’s syndrome baby. I didn’t wanted that I wanted them to see her as the amazing, smart, and beautiful child that she is. Who just happens to have an extra chromosome.
So far I have been so lucky and everyone has accepted her and they see how amazing she is.

What I am trying to get at is that I want my kids and family to grow up knowing that beauty isn’t just what you look like. People can be beautiful or handsome on the outside but ugly and evil at the core. And that they should grow up being the best people they can be and not just worry about how they look and what other people think about them.

Because to me they will always be the best bit of Beauty in my world.

Nikki ❤

mumturnedmom

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