Emotional

This is the first post I have started/done in nearly 2 weeks!
I could tell you the reasons for this is because I have been busy with all the birthdays and life etc but honestly that would be a lie.

Because even though the last few weeks all I have been thinking about is that baby’s 1st birthday is coming up. (It’s actually on Saturday! Yikes!) that isn’t the reason I haven’t been blogging.

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See to most this is a happy, exciting time and don’t get me wrong I am thrilled my little girl is going to be 1.
But I find the closer her birthday comes the more I am thinking about the day she was born and how it was the most terrifying day of my life.
(You can read about it here)

For most people remembering the day their baby enter the world is a joyous occasion. Where they reminisce about those first moments when they are embracing them tightly, as they study all their features, about giving their baby it’s first feed or cuddle and stare into their face imprinting the image into their heart and memory forever.

For me most of those first moments aren’t filled with happiness but instead they were filled with fear, worry and terror.

this picture was taken just before the doctors came in to see me)

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Because while I cradled my new bundle I was gripped in fear for her future as the doctors explained to me that they believed she had Down syndrome.
In that moment everything changed.
I worried about how I would cope or look after a child with a disability. I had never done it before and I didn’t think I would be able to handle it.
The questions “Why me?”, “Why us?”, “Did I do wrong?” Whizzing round my head as I tried to take it all in.

I was still in shock from her fast arrival and then with the added shock of her diagnosis. I was completely lost! To me the future was bleak and I didn’t know where to start to process everything.

Once the doctors left the midwife give us time as a family to figure out our emotions before they explained what would happen next.

I was still cradling my precious little girl looking at her but instead of studying her face to my memory. I was looking for the characteristics that the doctor had seen. Telling myself they must of made a mistake but knowing as I stared into her face that they were right.

Time didn’t seem relevant as minute felt like hours that passed in seconds.
Because with all this happened within an hour of me giving birth.

When the midwife came back she encouraged me to try feeding and explained that it may take time or baby might be sleepy due to low muscle tone and weak suck.
Baby soon showed her though by latching on and having a good go at feeding.
But I couldn’t fully enjoy that first moment because my head was still I total mess as I had 2001 questions running through my head. Thinking about the future, my plans, my family and my kids. How was everyone going to handle the news.

A few minutes later I noticed baby was getting sleepy and was no longer suckling as much. I changed her position and that when I was thrown into one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

As I moved baby I notice she was stirring and her breathing started to shallow. I turned to my mum and asked her if something was wrong and we notice baby’s skin turning a grey colour and her lips were going blue. She couldn’t breath.

My hubby and mum went to get the help, as I held my little girl in my arms. Feeling completely helpless and not know what to do.

Luckily the staff responded quickly. The room filled professionals that whisked her out of my arms into a cot in corner of the room and put her on oxygen to bring her round.

I couldn’t watch what was going on I just held on to my husband and stared at the door in front of me. I thought she was going to die and I didn’t want that memory I didn’t want to see my child take her last breathes.

She responded to to oxygen but not enough and she was taken round to neonatal to be give support there.

My heartbroken as I watched them wheel my baby away. I as if I could go with her and broke down sobbing as they explain I couldn’t straight away.

I was lost, I was scared and was numb.

Once I was cleaned up and changed I was able to walk round and see her to say good night before I went to my room on ward.

they took this photo for me to take to my room

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I kissed her good night, as I silently prayed to myself that it wasn’t our last. I wanted her to fight, I wanted to be able to hold her and I didn’t want her to be apart from me.

My husband an mum got me settled in my room and left to go get some rest hoping I would do the same.
I tried to get myself settled but I just couldn’t relaxed.

Then the doctor came to visit me again and explained Baby was needing more oxygen support and she was put on a ventilator.

I rang my husband and explained everything to him. My voice breaking as I tried to fight back another round of tears.
After I hung up the phone I stared at the wall across from my bed trying to take in everything that had happened. Still asking myself “Why me?”
Why had this day that had started with so much excitement. That I had waited 42 long weeks (I went over due) for, turned into my worst nightmare.

I wasn’t meant to be sat scared, frightened and alone in a room. I was meant to be getting to know my child, kissing her little fingers as she grasped onto mine. Watching her yawn and wriggle as she realised she had more room to grow. I was meant to be holding her and protecting her. Not leaving her when she needed me most.

I felt like a failure!

Because of this I have been unable/avoiding my blog, because every time I think about the day Baby was born. The day my amazing, strong and beautiful little girl entered this world. I find myself holding back the tears as all those emotions I felt come flooding back and I’m helpless again.

Luckily I just need a smile from her or she shows me something new she has learned and they quickly disappear.

But the guilt I feel doesn’t go as quick. My guilt for being scared, for being terrified and for not being able to help. That lingers a little longer.

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For all the fear and worry I felt in the early days. I have been given an amazing little miss and I can’t believe she is going to be 1 in a few days.

Here is to many more to come 🙂

Nikki ❤

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My special memory

I am linking up with Emma at outnumbered as part of the #BEDAoutnumbered challenge.

Day 5: A special memory

Again this challenge is difficult for me because I have so many special memories that choosing just one doesn’t seem right.

So I thought I would tell you a couple of my special memories. (Yes they are going to be the typical one you’re would expect from a wife and mother)

Firstly It would have to be when each of my children where born.

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I will say the experiences and births were a lot nicer with my middle children, then my with my first and last.
Mainly because after 10 and half hours of labour with T I was rushed off to theatre for and emergency c section because his heart rate was dipping and I had failure to progress past 4cm.
I remember the uncontrollable trembling that spread through my body. It was caused by a mixture of the epidural side effects and my fear, as they wheeled me down the corridor to the theatre.
The intense smell of the surgical disinfectant as I laid on the operating table and the a green surgical cloth they put in front of me to prevent me seeing what the surgeons where doing.
Which I was glad about, until I looked up at the ceiling where there was a massive bright surgical light with silver reflective rings, so I could see it all. Not wanting to see I looked to my right where my mum (I was 17 and petrified. I didn’t want T’s dad, I wanted my mum) was sat and I noticed the wall behind her were again massive silver reflective doors and I could see what they were doing to me.
So I turned to my left and stared at the only wall I could look at before I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to be there and just wanted it to be over.
10 minutes passes (it seemed like a life time) and that was when I hear the best sound ever, T’s almighty scream he had been born. Weighing 7lb 10.5oz he was prefect. My mum held him with I was sewn up and take to recovery.
It took 3 weeks for me to fully recover as my stitches hadn’t been done right and I had to go back into hospital to have it removed. It was horrible.

My next memory would be the night I met my hubby. (although I was on a night out so it doesn’t stay vivid :D)

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I was on a much needed night out with friends because I was a single mum of 2 going full time to college to redo my GCSE’s.
Well anyway I got to the club an didn’t realise how expensive a round would be and I had forgot to get more money out of my bank on the way. So my friend an I left to walk to the nearest cash machine.
On the way my friend recognised an old friend of hers (which happened to be my future husband). At the time though I was wanting to get to bank before it got too busy or late. I set off ahead while she followed behind talking to him.
I was still trying to be part of their conversation though not wanting to be impolite and him thinking I was rude or snubbing him (he was cute and all).
This meant I was walking but looking behind so I could hear and chat too. It was at this point that I walked straight into a bench! falling face first onto it, with my backside up in air. (my hubby say that was the moments he decided he was going to try his luck and get to know me)
Neither of them warned me or said “look out for the bench!” No, they laughed at me instead.
Anyway after I managed to stop myself dying there an then out of embarrassment, walking away with dented pride and bruised chins. We made it to cash machine and back to club. Where I went straight to loo’s to sort myself out. When I came out my friend was at the bar but “my hubby” was no where to be seen.
So I carried on having a good time dancing, chatting and having a laugh.
A little while later I was stood at the bar with another of my friends chatting while waiting for my drinks order when “my hubby” came over handed me 6 roses, paid for my drink,then out of no where kissed me and walked off.
I was so shocked I just stood there staring at my friend and the flowers and then at my friend again wondering what the hell had just happened.
A few drinks later (this is where it gets blurry!) “my hubby” and I found each other and managed to actually talk and get to know each other and the rest is shall we say history.

I do have loads of other special memories like when I found out I was pregnant, when my other children where born, when I passed my Alevels and the day I got married.

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But we would be here for ages going through them all. So these will do.
Can’t wait to read yours.
See you tomorrow.

Nikki ❤

blog every day in August

magic moments

The day everything changed!

Having already had 3 beautiful children and experiencing birth 3 different ways. I thought that I was a pro and lived in my own ignorant bliss that my 4th little bundle would make an appearance and be just the same as her 2 older brothers and her sister.

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How wrong was I!

My 4th little bundle is Baby an she is the most amazing little girl ever. I will say since having her I have started finding grey hairs at the ripe old age of 26. I know she probably wasn’t the cause but I know they weren’t there before she was born.

As with all my other pregnancies she didn’t arrive by her due date no matter how much I hoped/coaxed her to get things moving.
So at 12 days over due I faced another induction of labour.
So on the morning of the 4th October 2013 I trundled into Bradford royal infirmary maternity unit and was booked in.
After been hooked up to the machines the hospital realised I was actually in slow labour (something I had known for the last few weeks) and decided to see if my body could do it on it’s own.
My labour did progress but not as fast as the hospital staff liked and my little girls heart rate kept dipping showing signs of distress. They decided to start me on a hormone drip (syntocinon) to get things moving. It was at that point I ordered my epidural! It took an hour for them to get it in the right place after 2 failed attempts but it was finally in an they told me I could lay back. As I moved my leg on to bed, I got the urge to push.
Typical!
The little madam had been causing me pain for weeks and I finally get some relief from it an she decides she wants to arrive. 10 minutes and a few pushes later, at 10.15pm (before my epidural had even kicked in) she entered the world.
That’s when all the fun and surprises started. Because she had been in distress during labour she had opened her bowels and swallowed some of the meconium. After what felt like a life time of silence, she took a few cries and calmed down.

Then they weighed her. I was expecting her to be just like my other kids which were all average to big babies going from 7lbs 10oz – 9lbs at birth. Baby came out a tiny 6lbs 10oz and I had nothing in my hospital bag that didn’t drowned her.

When she was born because of the meconium being present doctors had been called to give her checks and that when they noticed something wasn’t right but decided to leave us a while and come back once I had been sorted an had chance to cuddle my little girl.

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30 minutes later the doctor came back in and it was like the whole atmosphere in the room changed. It was at that moment I knew something was wrong before the doctor even started to explain.

They told us that they thought Baby had Down syndrome.

The news was a shock I hadn’t expected or even dreamed of and in that moment everything seemed to changed. It was like the world stopped but everything kept going.
I felt like it was my own fault in some ways for not having any tests done but in previous pregnancies I had the blood test that said I was at low risk of having a child with DS and in all honesty I didn’t think it would happen to me.
The doctor explain a blood test would confirm it and I should enjoy my baby.

I should enjoy my baby!

Those words echoed over an over in my head. While I was frozen with fear and my mind raced with questions. How could I enjoy my baby when she had Down syndrome? What was her future going to be like? Would she ever be able to experience being a mother herself or even be able to have a normal life?

I didn’t ask any of these questions to doctor I was too busy trying to process everything that had just happened. Once she had left the midwife tried getting me to nurse Baby. I had always planned to breastfeed, she said sometime children with Down syndrome can have problems feeding but Baby seemed to be doing ok once she latched on. So she left us to bond an process everything. After like 20 minutes of her trying to feed I noticed she was getting sleepy and hard to wake. I moved her so I was cradling her in my arms and that’s when everything changed!

Baby’s lips started turning blue, her skin a grey colour and her breathing went shallow. My husband ran to get a midwife and it became all systems go. My room filled with health care professional and became a blur of oxygen masks and monitors. I just stared at the door in front of me not wanting to see what was happening to my baby and feeling completely helpless as I gripped on to my husband’s hand.

That was the moment my mother instinct kicked in an that’s when Baby having Down syndrome didn’t matter as long as she lived I would love her no matter what.

She was whisked off to neonatal an was put on a ventilator due to her swallowing meconium an it causing Meconium aspiration.

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Nothing could of prepared me for what happened the day she was born and at the end of it all I was left alone in a room on the ward with everything whizzing around in my head and without my baby that my arms so desperately craved for.
From that moment I willed Baby to fight an hang in there and I made a promise to myself and to her that as long as she fought I wouldn’t give up.
It’s 5 months on and she is still going from strength to strength. We have mastered breastfeeding, smiling, hold our head up and recently rolling over.

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Proud is an understatement for how I feel about this child because she is amazing.

Nikki ❤