Emotional

This is the first post I have started/done in nearly 2 weeks!
I could tell you the reasons for this is because I have been busy with all the birthdays and life etc but honestly that would be a lie.

Because even though the last few weeks all I have been thinking about is that baby’s 1st birthday is coming up. (It’s actually on Saturday! Yikes!) that isn’t the reason I haven’t been blogging.

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See to most this is a happy, exciting time and don’t get me wrong I am thrilled my little girl is going to be 1.
But I find the closer her birthday comes the more I am thinking about the day she was born and how it was the most terrifying day of my life.
(You can read about it here)

For most people remembering the day their baby enter the world is a joyous occasion. Where they reminisce about those first moments when they are embracing them tightly, as they study all their features, about giving their baby it’s first feed or cuddle and stare into their face imprinting the image into their heart and memory forever.

For me most of those first moments aren’t filled with happiness but instead they were filled with fear, worry and terror.

this picture was taken just before the doctors came in to see me)

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Because while I cradled my new bundle I was gripped in fear for her future as the doctors explained to me that they believed she had Down syndrome.
In that moment everything changed.
I worried about how I would cope or look after a child with a disability. I had never done it before and I didn’t think I would be able to handle it.
The questions “Why me?”, “Why us?”, “Did I do wrong?” Whizzing round my head as I tried to take it all in.

I was still in shock from her fast arrival and then with the added shock of her diagnosis. I was completely lost! To me the future was bleak and I didn’t know where to start to process everything.

Once the doctors left the midwife give us time as a family to figure out our emotions before they explained what would happen next.

I was still cradling my precious little girl looking at her but instead of studying her face to my memory. I was looking for the characteristics that the doctor had seen. Telling myself they must of made a mistake but knowing as I stared into her face that they were right.

Time didn’t seem relevant as minute felt like hours that passed in seconds.
Because with all this happened within an hour of me giving birth.

When the midwife came back she encouraged me to try feeding and explained that it may take time or baby might be sleepy due to low muscle tone and weak suck.
Baby soon showed her though by latching on and having a good go at feeding.
But I couldn’t fully enjoy that first moment because my head was still I total mess as I had 2001 questions running through my head. Thinking about the future, my plans, my family and my kids. How was everyone going to handle the news.

A few minutes later I noticed baby was getting sleepy and was no longer suckling as much. I changed her position and that when I was thrown into one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

As I moved baby I notice she was stirring and her breathing started to shallow. I turned to my mum and asked her if something was wrong and we notice baby’s skin turning a grey colour and her lips were going blue. She couldn’t breath.

My hubby and mum went to get the help, as I held my little girl in my arms. Feeling completely helpless and not know what to do.

Luckily the staff responded quickly. The room filled professionals that whisked her out of my arms into a cot in corner of the room and put her on oxygen to bring her round.

I couldn’t watch what was going on I just held on to my husband and stared at the door in front of me. I thought she was going to die and I didn’t want that memory I didn’t want to see my child take her last breathes.

She responded to to oxygen but not enough and she was taken round to neonatal to be give support there.

My heartbroken as I watched them wheel my baby away. I as if I could go with her and broke down sobbing as they explain I couldn’t straight away.

I was lost, I was scared and was numb.

Once I was cleaned up and changed I was able to walk round and see her to say good night before I went to my room on ward.

they took this photo for me to take to my room

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I kissed her good night, as I silently prayed to myself that it wasn’t our last. I wanted her to fight, I wanted to be able to hold her and I didn’t want her to be apart from me.

My husband an mum got me settled in my room and left to go get some rest hoping I would do the same.
I tried to get myself settled but I just couldn’t relaxed.

Then the doctor came to visit me again and explained Baby was needing more oxygen support and she was put on a ventilator.

I rang my husband and explained everything to him. My voice breaking as I tried to fight back another round of tears.
After I hung up the phone I stared at the wall across from my bed trying to take in everything that had happened. Still asking myself “Why me?”
Why had this day that had started with so much excitement. That I had waited 42 long weeks (I went over due) for, turned into my worst nightmare.

I wasn’t meant to be sat scared, frightened and alone in a room. I was meant to be getting to know my child, kissing her little fingers as she grasped onto mine. Watching her yawn and wriggle as she realised she had more room to grow. I was meant to be holding her and protecting her. Not leaving her when she needed me most.

I felt like a failure!

Because of this I have been unable/avoiding my blog, because every time I think about the day Baby was born. The day my amazing, strong and beautiful little girl entered this world. I find myself holding back the tears as all those emotions I felt come flooding back and I’m helpless again.

Luckily I just need a smile from her or she shows me something new she has learned and they quickly disappear.

But the guilt I feel doesn’t go as quick. My guilt for being scared, for being terrified and for not being able to help. That lingers a little longer.

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For all the fear and worry I felt in the early days. I have been given an amazing little miss and I can’t believe she is going to be 1 in a few days.

Here is to many more to come 🙂

Nikki ❤

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