Challenging

I am going to use this post to be part of both The Prompt and word of the week.

I didn’t plan to be able to combine both Linky’s into one post but this week has been challenging for me because but not for all negative reasons.

I’ll start with the negative first though because I like ending on a positive note.

This week started just like any other except all the kids have been bored, irritated and pushing each other’s buttons. It has been almost constant bickering that I have tried ever so hard to prevent and split up with activities. I have tried colouring, baking, board games and I even received the change for life 10 minute shake it up Disney cards. I let them all choose one card each to do and set up that game in the garden. They did make friends and play nicely (for like 5 minutes) before they were bickering again.
I have found it so difficult thought because my hubby has been working a horrid shift were I have had the kids most of the time and I’m tired.

At start of the week Baby started being very fussy and was covered in a rash from head to foot. Fearing it was chicken pox or something spreadable I refused to leave the house until we had seen a doctor because what of we came in contact with a pregnant woman. By Wednesday I finally got her an appointment to be seen (which wasn’t much help). The doctor had been having that trouble some morning so he was running late (by an hour) so I was sat in the waiting room with a tried and agitated Baby (never a good mix). All she did was scream, shout, pull my hair and claw at my face. To say the least I was very stressed my self by time I saw the doctor who couldn’t give me a proper diagnosis because he thought it was either a viral rash or an allergic reaction. She was give some antihistamine and sent on our way. By that point it had started to rain too and we had walked to the doctors. So it was safe to say I got very wet and once I got home it was my hubby’s turn to go to work.

Later on that night I decided to make a lovely roast pork dinner with crackling for me and kids (it was a big mistake). The food was lovely but I unfortunately broke a wisdom tooth when eating some of the crackling. The next morning phone my dentist and booked and appointment but it’s not for over a week because by that point my tooth didn’t hurt. By that night though the twinging pain had started, so rest of the week i have been in pain and trying the entertain the kids best I can but it’s not easy with it raining plus I’m not feeling like my usual self.

I am hoping today to be able to move past the pain (painkillers but I’m only allowed certain ones while breastfeeding and cold compresses) and go out to do something with kids.

There have been some positive challenges this week because I have been part of the #BEDAoutnumbered challenge. Where I have to blog every day to prompts that Emma made up and we link up on her blog. I am on Day 9 at moment so far and I have really enjoyed doing it. It has taken me out of my little blogging comfort zone.

Anyway that’s my week. The bad, the good and the painful.

Nikki ❤

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My Best Friend

I am linking up with Emma at outnumbered as part of the #BEDAoutnumbered challenge.

Day 6: My Best Friend

I have a few friends hold close in my heart and I would do anything for (they know who they are) and I love them just as much as each other but when I think of my best friend I think of MAGGI!

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She is the person I class as my best friend just because we have been through so much together.

I met Maggi when we were both 16. We use to go out to same the club Rio’s and had loads of friends in common. It was that exact way we met. I had gone back to a friends house for a bit of an after party and a chill and Maggi was dating the guy who flat we were all staying in and straight away we hit it off. We actually spent hours chatting in the kitchen as we cleaned it and then we went walking around the cemetery at stupid o’clock in the morning, talking. (Yes walking round a cemetery at 2am is a weird thing to do but we were young and I rationalised it would help me with my fear of zombies. It didn’t!)

After that we spent the next 4 weeks being completely inseparable. We hung out, we went clubbing or to pub and we shopped. It was ace. It was actually because of Maggi I met T’s dad, when him send his friend almost knocked us over coming down a hill full speed of a bike an rollerblades. Maggi actually fancied T’s dad and I liked his friend. We got chatting to them and spent hours talking in the centre of town. After a bit of time I realised I fancied T’s dad (we were only 16!) and he liked me. Maggi wasn’t bothered though because she is an amazing person who I think is beautiful. (she doesn’t see it in herself but I do)

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When I started going out with T’s dad Maggi and I lost touch and I didn’t see Maggi for over 2 years. By that point and I had just become a single teenage mum and I wasn’t handling the break up of T’s dad and I, very well. I hated being alone in my house and I was going out partying when ever my mum would watch T for me. (was a very low point in my life). Anyway I bumped back into to Maggi at a party and we got talking when T was at my mums. I had friends come back to mine and Maggi came too. We spent the whole night chatting again it was like no time had passed at all. She mentioned that she also didn’t like staying alone in her flat, as her flat mate was at her boyfriends for next week. So I invited her to come stay with me because I had a spare room and it stopped us both being alone. It was meant to be a week but it actually turned into 2 years because Maggi ended up moving in. I couldn’t of been happier! (same thing happened with my hubby!)
It was then I started calling her my wifey and all our friends started referring to us as Maggi and Nikki. We were hardly ever separate.

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The next 2 years were great. We would chat and giggle all time, spending at least one night a week curled up on my sofas watching girly flicks eating our own individual tubs of Ben and Jerry’s, doing face packs and painting our nails. It was great and if a guy ever asked me out Maggi would baby sit, so I could go out on a date and would be there to help pick up the pieces if it all went pear shaped.

Maggi helped me get through a really hard time in my life by just being there to listen to me when I needed her.

Then one day Maggi found her dad on Facebook and wanted to get to know him. Problem was he lived in Scotland. She went up to visit him and realised she loved it there and was going to move to be close to him. I was devastated but I knew it was the right thing for her to do. Plus by that point I was pregnant with P and we knew I would need the my spare room for T and P would go in T’s old little room. She promised she would keep in touch and we both promised to visit and she stuck to her word. At least twice a year she would come down to visit and we still got up to all the crazy stuff we did before.

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We use to talk almost every night because she worked nights on a hotel desk and I always had problems sleeping on a night.
Over time she met her partner and settled down to have 2 beautiful children and I met my hubby. Maggi still came to visit but it wasn’t as often because we both had families and I even went up to Scotland to see her.
The funniest thing is that when my hubby was thinking of asking me to marry him. He asked Maggi for advice on rings and when I got married she was my maid of honor.

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She came down for my hen do and the wedding it was great. A few months after the wedding. When I was heavily pregnant with baby. Hubby, E and I went to Scotland to see Maggi and her family again. That was the last time we saw each other and it was well over a year ago :(. We still talk often on phone or FaceTime but a lot of time we forget or the kids need or want something and our conversations are cut short.
But it doesn’t matter because she know if she needs me I am always there for her just like I do for her. If I need to talk she will listen and I do same for her. She knows pretty much everything about (probably more then my own husband does!)
She has seen me and talked me through many bad time and has alwaysbeen there to give me a healthy dose of reality when I need it. She always tells me if I look hideous and isn’t afraid to tell me what she truly thinks. She expects the same from me too which is great because I get to be me without worrying about upsetting or offending her. She knows if I ever say anything she doesn’t like or agree with, she knows it wasn’t meant in that way and we talk about it.
I’m not saying we never have arguments because we have (specially when we lived together because we “synced up”) but once we both had it out of our systems we would chat and everything was forgotten. We only ever really argued when we were highly emotional and very stressed.

Maggi has played a massive part in my life and always will. Even thought don’t see or talk to her every day. She is never far from my mind or my heart.

That is why I class Maggi had my best friend x

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Nikki ❤

Returning

My word of the week this week is

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As most people will know I haven’t been online or blogging over last few weeks. It was because we where on holiday. So my life was wrapped up with packing an getting everything sorted and last week we where away. (which was great and there is a post to come I promise)

Well on Monday we returned home and it was time for us to return back to normal life. Hubby returned back to work and I returned back to my usual life of hospital appointments and cleaning. We also got the return of my argumentative kids.
With it’s being the summer holidays the kids are bored and restless, they constantly want to do something or go somewhere but there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to get house work done and through the mountains of washing we brought home and go on day trips everyday.

We have had some fun days out this week and visited a few museums through.

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And I have even managed to meet up with a few friends.

I have also had a return to my blog and I seem to have a return of my blogging mojo. (which is in full swing tonight this is my 4th post)
So it’s great. And I’m hoping it will carry on as I have enter the blog every day in August challenge.

My word this week is returning 🙂 because life is finally returning back to normal 🙂

Nikki ❤

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20 facts about me

This is my second post for the #BEDAoutnumbered challenge.

20 facts about me

1) I love everything P!NK (both the colour and the singer)

2) I have 5 tattoo (although I want many more)

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3) I am an avid watcher of hollyoaks, have been for years. It’s the only soap I do watch but it is ace.

4) I have an irrational fear of zombies. (I know there not real and there never will be a zombie apocalypse but the very idea terrifies me)
In the words of Dr Doug Murphy from Scrubs

“Dead things should stay Dead!”

5) is my favourite number.

6) If it snows deep enough I HAVE to build a snowman!
(it doesn’t matter what time it is)

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7) My favourited film is The Little Mermaid.

8) If I could I would spend all day, everyday in my PJ’s. Just because they are so comfy and I love them.

9) I have had over 21 piercing in my body (mainly from my younger years)

10) I was 16 when I first became pregnant, but 17 when I had T.

11) I have always wanted to learn an instrument of some kind (but now I can’t find the time to do it)

12) when I was younger my family an I joined The Sealed Knot in which is an association that reenactment the battles from the English civil war.

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13) I listen to the album Fallen by Evenescene if I need to to have a good cry.

14) Until 3 weeks ago donated breastmilk to help feed young babies and help other mums that didn’t have a great supply.

15) I have had 1 c section (with T) and 3 VBACS.

16) I use to collect Nemi comic strips until I downloaded the app.
(I have a box full of them that I ripped out of newspapers)

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I think you can see why I love her and the strip. Always makes me giggle.

17) My best friend lives miles away in Scotland and I call her my wifey.

18) I am 27 and I am still scared of the dark.

19) When my youngest daughter Baby was born and we got her Down’s syndrome diagnosis. I thought it was all my fault and that I was being punished for something I had done in my life. It took a while for me to stop thinking like that and to see her for the amazing blessing she is. Her face brightens up my world and her smile is so infectious.

20) I am loud, I can be a bitch if I am pushed to it and I tend to say what I think. (sometimes before I engage my brain!)
I do try my best to be nice and not offend people but it’s not that easy to do.

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So there you go my 20 facts about me 🙂
See you tomorrow x

Nikki ❤

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Beauty

I am joining up with this weeks #theprompt on the subject of beauty.

When ever I think of beauty the first things to pop into my mind is:

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” – Margaret Wolfe Hungerford

“Beauty is not in the face;
Beauty is a light in the heart” – Khalil Gibran

These are quotes that I use to say to myself regularly. To remind myself that Beauty isn’t always about how you look but about what’s on the inside and that what one person think is ugly another thinks is Beautiful.

Growing up I was always bullied. I was the fat kid or the ugly kid.
Throughout upper school I was constantly teased and ridiculed. Been constantly told I would never find a boyfriend or someone to love because of how ugly I was. It left me feeling alone, unwanted and with seriously low self esteem.
So by the time I was old enough to start dating, I was a walking target that fell for the first boy who told me I was pretty (total disaster). I thought to myself that if he thought I was beautiful that the rest of the world would. (no it didn’t turn out that way)

Luckily from that relationship, I got a piece of true beauty. I got T.

It was after that relationship ended that I finally started to feel right in my own skin. Then when fell pregnant with P and I was a single mum and going through pregnancy all on my own that I finally found my strength within. It was then that people started to comment about how pretty I was looking. It was amazing that once I learnt to love things about myself that it started to show on the outside.
It was then that I finally managed to meet a nice guy that thought I was truly beautiful and loved me for me (lumps, bumps and all)

Then when E was born and I started dreaming about her future, was when I started to remember how cruel young and teenage girls can be. I swore to myself there and then, that I would teach my daughter to grow up not worrying about what was on the outside but that it was on the inside that counts. That you have to love yourself and be a good person in life to be truly beautiful.

When Baby came along that became more important to me. I feared about how people would react when they saw her and if people would always just to see her as a Down’s syndrome baby. I didn’t wanted that I wanted them to see her as the amazing, smart, and beautiful child that she is. Who just happens to have an extra chromosome.
So far I have been so lucky and everyone has accepted her and they see how amazing she is.

What I am trying to get at is that I want my kids and family to grow up knowing that beauty isn’t just what you look like. People can be beautiful or handsome on the outside but ugly and evil at the core. And that they should grow up being the best people they can be and not just worry about how they look and what other people think about them.

Because to me they will always be the best bit of Beauty in my world.

Nikki ❤

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Learning something new everyday.

Growing up I use to hate learning. The idea of school annoyed the living hell out of me and I would scream, shout and paddy that I didn’t want to go. I would refuse to go unless one if my duster friends came and got me ready and I would throw temper tantrums so bad that my mum would have to rung school to take me in.
As a teenager I believe that I already knew everything I would ever need to know and that no amount of school work would every teaching me otherwise. (I got a sharp shock of reality, don’t worry!) so I would skip school or I would just do nothing all lesson.

It wasn’t until I fell pregnant with T and I started to read the books and try to learn how to be a parent. That I realise how valuable learning and knowledge really was. I also realised pretty quickly that I hadn’t made the right decisions in school and I strived to better my self.

I went on IT course through the job centre and started reading more and actually started falling in love with education and learning. It was after P was born that I took my first major steps in my education. I went back to college and redid my GCSE’s and went on to do my Alevels. I was so proud of myself and surprised with how well I did in my GCSE’s.
After I finished college, I was heavily pregnant with E and wanted to take a year out before university but then the prices went up an my university dream was shattered (for the time being).

I decided then that I wasn’t just going to give up on learning again. So I went on parenting courses and learnt baby signing at my local children’s centre. I would try to set myself goals to trying new things and crossing them off my bucket list and I found while I did these things I would learn something new, like a new skill or fact.

But having Baby is where I have learnt the most. She taught me that down syndrome isn’t something to fear and that the unknown isn’t always scary. That I shouldn’t take little things for granted because those little things can make a big difference and if you over look them you might miss somthing thing truly spectacular 🙂

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I love watching her grow and seeing how much she is learning because children with Down syndrome have learning difficulties. It can take them longer to learn something that other people find simple. With my other children I always knew they would walk, talk and go the mainstream school, with Baby it was a question that every doctor would answer with “maybe”. She has already learnt so much and at the moment she is learning to crawl. She doesn’t do it the traditional way (neither did my other kids except P) but she moves around the room quite fast, rolling and dragging herself along the floor. It brings a smile to my face and warms my heart because so far the only thing she is slightly delayed in her sitting unaided but I’m sure over time she will show us more of how amazing she is but for now I’m happy because I know she won’t let anything stop her.

Nikki ❤

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Rules are meant to be broken!

This post is for the linky “The Prompt”

Rules are meant to be broken is basically the way I lived my life before I fell pregnant with my son T at the of 16.

I was a young, silly teenager who thought she knew everything and that I didn’t have to answer to anyone. I got a great shock when reality and life caught up with me.

Although I didn’t actually do anything seriously wrong. I would act out and always do the opposite to what I was told to. I was a complete bitch to my mum (now, being a mum myself makes me think she needs a medal for all she put up with). I would scream, I would shout and I would basically blame her for everything that went wrong in my life (kind of like T has started doing with me now).

KARMA!

I had always been a difficult child. Spoilt some would say but my major rebellious stage started when I was 14. I would lie to my parents telling them I was stopping at friends or going to stay with my older sister but instead would go out drinking regularly with friends that were a lot older then me. I was never one for walking the streets or hanging out in parks getting drunk or causing petty vandalism. I was going out to night clubs, pubs and house parties.
I started listen to new mental and rock music, my wardrobe mainly consisted of black clothing. My pants were baggy with the widest leg I could find and my tops didn’t leave much to the imagination. I would wear chains on my pants, dog collars and had piercing all up my ears. I was the nightmare that most fathers didn’t want their daughters to be.

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My parents were never happy about the way I dressed or how I looked but they knew that even it they forbade me from wearing the clothes I wanted I would just do it anyway behind their back. They were all for letting me be who I wanted to be and basically hoped that I would figure it out eventually.
(which I did but it took me a long time and a baby to do it) I lived in my rebellious bubble that I could do what I wanted with out any consequences.

I was very wrong!

As you already know my bubble popped pretty quickly and reality came to slap me in the face.

I was 16 and pregnant!

(before it was a TV show)

At the time I thought my life was over and I had screwed everything up. I was totally and pleasantly surprised that I was wrong (again) because once T finally arrive and I held him in my arms I knew that he was prefect and he was why I need to sort my act out and pull myself together.

I’m not going to lie I did still make mistakes and I was still horrid to my mum but as T grew, so did I.
He taught me to stop being selfish and putting myself first. Because as a mother you can’t do that, the needs of your child should always come before yours.
I aimed to be a better person and a better mother. I wanted to give my son the best life I could.
I tell him regularly that he saved me from heading down a road that probably didn’t have a good ending and he saved me from myself. That having him gave me a reason to be and helped me become the person I wanted to be and that I am today and for that I am very thankful.

He also gave me a chance to realise that even though “rules are meant to be broken” they probably shouldn’t because rules are there for a reason!

Nikki ❤

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Blogging

I first started my blog as a way to help me sort through my feeling and help put in to perspective what was going on in my life after Baby was born. I wanted to get our story out there, to maybe help other new mums and families that would probably be going through or feeling the same things I did after birth.

See when she was born my hubby and I got the biggest surprise ever. Our prefect little bundle has Down’s syndrome (DS). Nothing had been picked up on any of the scans. I had declined the blood tests to see what my risks where of having a child with DS, due to the fact I had one during a previous pregnancy 2 years before that said my risks were low because of my age and if I’m completely honest I never dreamed I would have a child with a disability.

As with all births, afterwards emotions are always at an all time high and for my family that was no different. Add to that try to take in all this new information about your baby and not being able to hold them. I was a wreck! Both psychically and mentally. I tried to hold it all together best I could but spent most of my time in tears or holding them back until I was alone. I did try to talk to family and friends but most of the time they would ask me if I had postnatal depression. It was like a slap in the face to me at the time. I knew I wasn’t depressed I just wanted my baby. The baby I had dreamed about throughout my pregnancy, the baby I wanted to hold in my arms and wanted to for fill all the hopes and dreams I had for her.
I now know I was grieving for the child I thought I was going to have and that it doesn’t mean I loved Baby any less and all I wanted was someone to pull out their crystals ball and tell me how her life panned out but they couldn’t. For me though the hardest part of all was leaving her in hospital for the first few weeks. Every day that I had to leave her at the hospital was torture for me but I told myself it was the best place for her. It was great when I finally got to bring her home. But the feelings and emotions were still there waiting to be worked through. So I started blogging.

As a teenager I had always written in a diary that I filled with my crazy, hormone fuelled ideas about life (it was mainly filled with thoughts of boys or why my parents were so uncool!)and throughout upper school (high school) when I was bullied. I would scribble, doodle and write down poems. Writing was always the way I had worked out my feelings. Putting it down and out of my head just made everything clearer.

When it came to my first few blog posts, I poured my heart into all of them. Then I became stumped and had nothing really to write about.

Or so I thought!

I found writing about what me an my kids get up to and joining up to Linkys helped. But I always find myself worrying is this what people want to read?

I now know I need to forget what everyone else wants to read. This is my blog this is my place to do and say what I feel and want. I just need to be me and true to myself, put all my thoughts and feeling in order the way I want.

I do hope that one day, reading my blog and what I went through in the beginning. Will help another mother, parent or family push through any problem or unexpected surprises or finding out their child has Downs syndrome too.
Help them know it’s ok to cry and that it doesn’t mean the end of the world (Like I first thought). It is actually something really great.

My little girl is amazing and I think how thankful I am everyday that she pulled through and fought. I treasure every amazing thing she does. Probably more then I ever did with my other children (because she has to work that bit harder and I honestly took what they could do for granted). Baby has showed me the error of my parenting and made me realise there is so much more. That is why I am thankful I was given the gift of a child with Down’s syndrome. She taught me how to love whole heartedly and more then I ever believed possible. I am also glad I started blogging/writing for helping me realise this and put it out into the world.

Nikki ❤

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